If you saw my first wild swimming experience the other day or you follow me on Instagram, you might see me swimming in the sea quite a lot at the moment. But the fact is that I’m pushing my comfort zone – I’m still not a huge fan of the sea and also the actual physical swimming just doesn’t work so well for me yet in open water. No, my true swimming love is a pool. I swim twice a week in summer and I swim 80 lengths each time. It’s a 25-yard pool so those 80 lengths work out at 1.83km a time, or 1.13 miles.
And I’ve recently – accidentally – become a Friend of my local pool. I’m this close to getting to official t-shirt – it was on the desk in front of me last night but the lifeguard couldn’t figure out how much to charge me so it’s gone away again until next week. So I thought my first act would be to write a post about swimming.
I do want to write more about swimming but I don’t really know what to say. Swimming blogs are no inspiration: they’re all about training for Serious Swimmers and I’m not that. You’re probably not either. I swim for exercise and for fun – because other than my daily walk, swimming is the only form of exercise that I actually enjoy. And I do enjoy it. I’ve been late into the pool this week because there’s been aquafit before the lane swim and trying to cram 1 hour and 1 minute of swimming, which is how long it takes me to do 80 lengths, into just an hour and preferably less so I’m not still in there while the lifeguards are trying to put the cover on without drowning me, is exhausting and not fun.
So I thought I’d revive an old post that I wrote last summer for a blog that I never really used and no one ever read, about ten people you’ll meet in the pool. It’s mostly affectionate, although I do get some digs in at people swimming at the wrong speed. So as a caveat:
If you’re new to swimming and you’re nervous, don’t be. Number one, no one is looking at you. That is, no one cares what you look like in swimwear. Local pools are not Instagram photoshoot hotspots and no one looks like a Kardashian. Also, everyone’s too busy either getting on with their swimming or trying not to drown to have the time to look at and pass judgement on new folks. Similarly, they don’t really care if you’re not very good at swimming. If it’s a free-for-all, go for it. If it’s a lane swim, pick the lane with the best speed for you. Like a motorway, if everyone’s in the right lane for their speed, it all runs pretty smoothly and as long as your speed is correct, no one cares about your style. My pool is small and only has three lanes. Shepton Mallet has a medium-fast as well as the three you’d expect and my boss’s huge pool in London has at least nine lanes. I’m almost jealous except it’s a very long way to go and it’s unheated so it’s freezing all year round!
1 – the slow swimmer hogging the fast lane
This is the only time anyone will care, when you’re in the wrong lane for your speed. Last summer, there were 12 of us in the pool and about 8 were slow swimmers. That meant eight people sharing the slow lane while the other four took a side each of the medium and fast lanes and did our own things. All very well until the slow swimmers decided the rest were just too slow and they were overcrowded and started moving over. You’ve not known frustration until you’ve been forced into the fast lane along with an old lady who can barely get up enough speed to keep herself afloat, especially as she has no concept of pausing at the end of each length to let everyone behind her overtake.
2 – the triathlete
The above situation was a one-off, although you do occasionally get someone who doesn’t understand the lane speeds system. You normally get a far more even mix of speeds. What’s frustrating is the triathlete, who flashes up and down the pool with a swimming hat on, sending out waves that capsize all the other swimmers and monopolises a third of the pool on his own – because even the fastest swimmers can’t keep up and have to move down to the middle lane and suddenly you’ve got six people in the middle lane, five in the slow lane and just one with the fast lane all to himself. Yes, the one who swims very fast and very splashily is always a man. Yes, speed is everything in a lane swim!
3 – the early leaver
In 2020, my pool introduced sessions of one hour that had to be pre-booked. By now, you can take a risk on turning up and paying at the door but sessions are still an hour. It therefore astonishes me when people pay for an hour and only stay for 15 minutes. It’s £5 a session – do you not want to get your money’s worth?
4 – the late-stayer
This one is me. I do 80 lengths so generally I’m still going after everyone else has left. I don’t outstay the session but if I’ve paid for 6.30 to 7.30, I’m staying in until I’ve done my lengths, or at least up until 7.29. Generally, half the swimmers have left after 40 minutes and virtually no one stays longer than 50 minutes. Many a swim I’ve done where the lifeguards have started taking out the dividing ropes and lining up the pool cover ten or fifteen minutes before the end of the session and honeys, this session hasn’t finished yet and I haven’t finished my lengths. You’re not kicking me out early. The triathlete is usually a late-stayer too so you can’t even reorganise the lanes halfway through the swim.
5 -the gossips
These come in pairs. They swim side by side very slowly, nattering the whole time, and they spend more time bobbing around in the shallow end than they do swimming. They almost always have short permed hair that they religiously keep above the water and they use the pool Icelandic-style as a social spot rather than a place to exercise.
6 – all the gear, no idea
There’s always someone who turns up with reflective goggles, a pair of fins and an assortment of floats. That’s ok – I swim in a pair of neoprene swim training gloves and I have a float. But given the amount of equipment they’ve brought, and that there’s always a swimming hat involved for better hydrodynamicism, you’d expect them to be a better swimmer than they actually are.
7 – the person swimming at exactly the same speed as you
I’ve already complained twice about people swimming at the wrong speed but the absolute worst is the one who’s going at exactly the same speed as you. This person is going far too fast when they’re behind you – why won’t they move up into the fast lane?! – but they’re far too slow when they’re in front of you – why won’t they move down into the slow lane?! In an ideal world, they’d always be at the opposite end of the pool to you but in reality, they’re always either right in front or right behind.
8 – the slow arms-only swimmer
Remember that old lady in the fast lane who can barely pick up enough speed to keep afloat? Swim behind her and put your head underwater. What is she doing with her legs? She thinks she’s swimming breaststroke but although the legs are constantly going, they’re really just waving and they’re not providing any power whatsoever. That’s why she’s so slow: she’s only using half her body to swim and the back half is constantly sinking. Then she gets tired very quickly and leaves early.
9 – the up-and-downer
Speaking of bad breaststroke, I watch people rise and sink a full foot on every stroke. It’s quite amazing. If you put that energy into going forwards instead of going up and down, you’d make far more progress and be far less tired. You might even be able to move out of that overcrowded slow lane and you might be able to stay in longer than 15 minutes.
10 – the one who won’t pick a stroke and stick to it
It’s me again! This one makes no difference to anyone else and you’ll be so busy swimming you won’t notice it on anyone else but some people will change strokes all the way up the pool. I’m mostly settled on alternating breaststroke with a weird wiggling/sculling backstroke thing and then using the float for the 9s & 10s (9/10, 19/20, 29/30 etc) but if I start front crawl, I inevitably switch to breaststroke halfway up the pool when I realise I can’t do the proper breathing and sometimes I decide I’ve had enough of “proper” swimming and do some doggy-paddle instead – big fan of doggy-paddle, it’s a real workout on my arms.