When I first wrote this, I started with “Well, is there a better time to talk about your anti-bucket list, the places you don’t want to go to, the things you don’t want to do, than during a plague when you can’t go anywhere anyway?” but I’ve pushed it back and back for so long that now we can pretty much go anywhere!
I’m still not travelling internationally yet – I think there’s still a lot too much plague around and I can’t have a PCR because I can’t even think about having a swab down my throat, let alone actually have it, so I’m waiting until I can go somewhere I don’t need that. So let’s rephrase that first sentence:
Is there a better time to talk about your anti-bucket list, the places you don’t want to go to, the things you don’t want to do, than during the (hopefully) tail-end of a plague when you’re not yet willing to go anywhere anyway? I have plenty of places I don’t want to go to and plenty of things I don’t want to do. You can’t be enthusiastic about everywhere and everything and sometimes it’s interesting to look at what doesn’t appeal to a particular person.
Cruising/long boat adventures
First up, I’m emetophobic so a boat trip just isn’t for me. I’ve never been seasick before but I’ve never spent more than one night on a ferry and I’d be afraid it would happen if I did a cruise or a big boat trip. Worse, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other people on that boat and other people definitely get seasick.
Also, didn’t we all agree in March 2020 that we were never cruising again because they’re just floating polluting germ traps? And then by April we’d all forgotten and now everyone wants to cruise again.
I’d really like to do MedSailors (except by age and by inclination I’m more of a Yacht Getaways type – that’s their sister company that’s less 18-30s/bikinis/party boat and more sedate/families/older couples) except… I don’t like the idea of sleeping on the boat, being on the boat for 8 nights, being on the boat with other people, frolicking in the sea or sharing meals and drinks with my fellow inmates passengers. Other than, you know, everything about the whole experience, I do really like the idea of Yacht Getaways.
South East Asia
You know, Backpackingland. I’m too old and too stick-in-the-mud to drink and party all night on the beach with wealthy eighteen-year-old gap-yah-ers and too cynical to drink and party all night on the beach with the 20-somethings who seem to be following a well-trodden backpacking trail with thousands of others while believing they’re doing something new and subversive and off the tourist trail. Backpacking Thailand is just all-inclusive resort holidays for 18-year-olds in elephant trousers.
No, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, even doing it my unsociable way and avoiding backpackers like the plague, that’s not my thing. I’d love to see Halong Bay so I’m not ruling out Vietnam but the rest, it’s so low down my to-do list that it’s fallen into my do-not-do list. It’s too hot, it’s too busy, there’s too much drinking and yoga and sunbathing. I don’t know what I’d do in places like that, they’re just not me.
New York
I don’t know, New York doesn’t appeal. My sister and dad went there a few years ago and rave about it, someone at work kept trying to plan long weekends there for birthdays and New Year and people in general seem to love it. I’m ok with cities but I think New York is just too big and loud – in every sense of the word – for my taste. That said, I’d be up for Chicago and I don’t think that’s a whole lot less big and loud. But somehow Chicago seems to have that “big dirty ugly city” vibe that I like about places like London and Moscow. New York has a different vibe, a more self-conscious, tourist, place to be seen vibe and it doesn’t appeal. I’m not totally averse to it but if I had a list of US cities in priority order, New York’s low down on it.
West Africa
Africa is my job and 13+ years in, I’m starting to feel quite self-conscious about the fact I’ve never set foot in a single corner of the entire continent. There are bits I’m interested in – Egypt, Morocco, Rwanda, Malawi, Zimbabwe, Namibia, Cape Town (not South Africa in general, just Cape Town) – and there are plenty of places I’m not interested in – Somalia, Tunisia, Mozambique, the Congos, the Saharan countries, Chad, Niger, Mali – but by and large, West Africa is an entire region on my do-not-do list. People at work recommend places like Ghana and Gambia and Nigeria and people on Twitter recommend places like Togo and Benin but it’s a big continent and again, there are other places a lot higher on my personal to-do list. Places that aren’t so hot and aren’t so busy.
Bungee jumping
I know I’m not alone here. No bungee jumping for me, thanks! I’m a chicken – sometimes I try to hide it but I’m a total chicken and I don’t do jumping off things. For the same reason, coasteering is on my never-to-do list. And then there’s the horror stories I’ve heard about bodily damage under the g-forces and stresses of bouncing on a bit of elastic – body parts that detach as tendons and flesh tear internally. Hanging upside down. The possibility of the rope breaking, or being the wrong length, or not being attached properly. There are so many things that can go wrong and it’s not a risk I’m willing to take for a height and a jump that I’m terrified of anyway.
Scuba diving
I don’t like the sea or open water or cold water. I’m ok on top of it, within reason, like in a kayak or on a paddleboard but I’m not keen on being in it and in particular under it. But scuba is on here, as is snorkelling, because I have an overactive gag reflex and I could never have the regulator or the snorkel in my mouth. There are days when I can’t keep a toothbrush in my mouth. Part of the reason I’m happy traveling very unsociably within two hours of home for the foreseeable future is that I absolutely can’t do a COVID test that requires a throat swab. You’d need to sedate me. You’d need to put me under general anaesthetic. So scuba is totally out and snorkelling would become swimming with my face in the water and the snorkel just bobbing around on the side of my head. But as I’m not crazy about the water or about swimming in it, I’m very happy to just never do it.
Anywhere overly posh
I’m not above a little luxury. I’m not above a lot of luxury. My budget only stretches so far so I’d perhaps like to upgrade further than I’m really able to. But what I mean is anywhere you have to dress up – like really dress up, where “it may be from Tesco but it’s smart!” just won’t cut it and where I’ll be expected to dine. Not eat. Dine. I’d love to do the Orient Express but I suspect it’d come under this category so I’d have to satisfy myself with timetabled standard class trains, a t-shirt and a bag of supermarket food.
You know, it’s harder than you think, to come up with a list of places you don’t want to go to and experiences you don’t want to have. There are lots of places that aren’t on my bucket list but which I don’t feel strongly enough about to end up on the anti-bucket list. Should I write my bucket list next? I don’t have one – by and large, if I want to do something and it’s within my means, I do it. And since the plague I’ve been perfectly content spending a lot of time at home, growing vegetables and improving my kayaking skills. I’m satisfied with life right now. The only thing on my bucket list is to see a world without a killer plague again.